I’m a strange mix of procrastination and impulsiveness. I mean, I get impatient to start things, but I also like to make sure things are done properly. This means I can get caught in a loop of “research”, where the more I learn, the more that little demon in my head tells me that I can’t do it, or it looks too difficult, it’s too embarrassing, etc.
So, sometimes I just need to start. Ignore the little demon and make some progress – any progress.
And that’s what this is. I don’t know where it will go, what it will look like, and I’m trying really hard not to care!
At the moment, I honestly have no idea what this will turn into. I don’t know if it will be instructional, whimsical, or just a waste of my time. But, I think the first thing to do is to split it in two:
- Write about what’s happening personally, the process I’m going through and how I’m dealing with it – emotionally and physically
- Write about what I am doing technically and logically, so I can look back and see what’s worked, what hasn’t and what should be changed, adjusted or dropped
I have a bit of a mixed background technically. I’m mostly self-taught with anything I can do, so I wouldn’t say I specialise in anything. At the moment, I’d say my main skill was problem solving (but I may find out that I’m wrong!).
So, the problem I am currently tackling is being a single mum with a two-year-old, who needs to make some money – both for general life reasons and for my own self-worth. My problem, is that I just don’t see why I should spend a fortune on childcare costs and kill myself getting to and from work in time. I don’t want to be the one sat in a meeting at 16:30 getting anxious about picking up my kid in time.
I also don’t want to have to rely on other people for countless favours every time I (feel like I) fail at this. This may sound stubborn, but it’s quite important at the moment. I feel like I’ve made such a mess pulling my life apart before slowly putting the pieces back together in a different order, that if I ask for “too much” help, I’m not taking responsibility for these decisions and actions. There, I said it!